Let the sun shine through you!

It's been awhile since I watch a sunrise, forgotten how calm and beautiful that make me feel. I merely remember the sunset when I visited the Great Angkor Wat, sitting at the peak of the ancient tower watch the sun set away in the evening. The serenity being with myself  and just listening to the ocean wave it gives me hope. Everything become possible again and dream can come true just don't ever give up on yourself.

At 37 weeks and only few week to the birth of my first son, I have forgotten so much about myself. How I always say "live life to the fullest" when did I stop doing that. The getaway at Devasom, Hua Hin, I got to know myself again, feel my own breath, smell senses around me and feel the cool air bypassing me. I'm here. I can and I will live my life to the fullest.

I'm ready to embrace my son and what life got store for me.

Hotel: www.devasom.com
Price: $$$
Room type: Beach Front Villa
Distance: 2.5 HR from Bangkok

Attention People! Listen to the words carefully..

Recently I found myself keep repeating sentences over again and again, it makes me doubt if I have spoken too fast or is it people are just NOT listening!

The whole situation is very simple and easy like cooking! You listen to the main points, know the overall objective then implement! What is so freaking hard about that!? I blame the network. When the conversation was ongoing somehow the damn connection will just drop call or sound become unclear. Damn developing country! Invest in the infrastructure!

Two days ago, I was assigned to attend a meeting which was irrelevant to my position to know. I consult a higher position person who confirmed, yes! it is irrelevant and in fact she should be the one who attend it. The meeting was this morning, blame 'BREAKING BAD" series got me hooked till 4am but I did at 730am text to confirm the attendants but no reply so I figure pregnant lady needs her overdose of drama sleep. I woke up at 10am realized that was no respond so I make the call and guess what! no one went! OMG!!! I'm like OMG! While confirming again with the person, she could catch what I'm trying to say and the end it went like this "...so you want me..to hep you...tell the boss that you didn't make it this morning because it was irrelevant to you?" again OMG!....

The confirmation supposed to come since yesterday or the same day that I phoned to consult her but nope, she was busy (yes I understand everyone is busy and it my f***** business to get it done myself) so she forgot!

Lesson learn here: DO NOT THINK, ASSUME OR HOPE FOR ANYONE ELSE TO DO YOUR JOB! 

Can we live without chaos?

I'm not sure it comes with age or it just the personality thing since I been pregnant I have come to realize that it hard to stay in one place. Not going out, knowing what's in what's out, what's hot and what's old or maybe it because I'm living in a country where literally there's no place for a city girl. I mean I been here for almost 8 years now and I ought to get use it by now, who to blame when my first 3 years was all about works which I barely have time for any social life, then the next 3 years was busy dating and trying to find my place in society thing that say "YES! I did it and this is what I want to do!"

The last 2 years just me starting my own family even though there's not much of a different, except me being 8 months pregnant! Then again what can I do with my big belly always in the way.

I'm still trying to find myself, my dream and goal where I want to belong where I can feel free and happy doing what I love and still earn ton of money. I know it should be easy but it is not! I think it was built in my whole family where we always strive for more, more and more!

Last week, my aunt (who also my current boss) told me during lunch that I need to hire a nanny fast so that the baby wouldn't feel so attached to me right after 2 months then I can start to go back to work. Then, a though occurred to me right then and there, have she understood being a mother after having 3 kids? All my cousins (I have over a dozen cousins) are raised the same way, we were sent off to oversea for education since we were 3 or 5 years old because of the country situation at that time of cause I understand I wouldn't want my kids to live and raise in Cambodia where clean water and electricity were even enough for the population.

Then again, really?? I can't be free to do what I love, earn money and raise my kid at the same time?
What concept is that to leave your kid after 2 months to a nanny so you can go back to work?
I understand of woman who must be saying are you crazy? I would die to have that, but it is not like that I'm striving to make a living here. I have a home which I'm waiting for it to complete while staying at my mother's house. I have enough at the moment to support my kid with milk, clothing and basic needs. But being there during your kid's childhood will just disappear before you even know it.

I don't want to miss anything in my kid's life specially their growing up memory which I never have with my own parents. That's why I can never say I love you to my parents or give them a simple huge. It feel burden and uncomfortable. I will not let that happen with my own kid.

I still want to move around and have fun but doing it as a family will be more fun than on my own. The journey is just begin and I want to create the best memories with my own family.

My life saver

There is thing that every pregnant women experienced, OK that's not true, there are gazillion things that pregnant women experience during the 9 months long - I can't wait for the belly to pop any day now experience.

I have been prepared for this long awaiting pregnancy with all the help from bloggers, friends and family who went through it. Well most research is done by Mr. T which I do appreciate lot! BUT! no one, really no one tell you the tiny annoying thing like your toe's muscle pull, cramp on your whole leg while just sitting, you fingers numbness which is a symptom calls carpal tunnel by the way or urine injection because you peep every damn 30 minutes or nipple cracked due to dryness of your skin!

Then come the ultimate annoying pain in the whole world is your muscle ache on your left just above your belly which the doctor has no idea what it is but suspect that it's due to heart burn. The pain has cause me no sleep for 2 days straight and add to that a cold with cough. This is just a fucking pain-in-the-ass aside the million pill that I have to take now there's more than just pill to heal my cold.

The best med for cold should be plenty of sleep, lot of water so I tried a million thing to make my sleepless night into a 8 hours full of wonderfulness of dream. I couldn't do a damn thing right to fall asleep, until I took the Snoogle Loop Pillow which I brought since my prep day but never use it because it just give me nausea and hassle to sleep with, so I lay it down on my bed which Mr. T just keep on snoring his night away. It was the last resource that I have so I have to give it a chance! It works! my pain was gone and I fell asleep within 5 minutes. Halleluiah!!!! my nightmare is over and I did it all by myself without any help at 230AM on a Saturday!

Lesson learn here: always have room for second, third or fourth chances! Never give up!

Every Women has a little Daisy in them

If you watch "The Great Gatsby" you will know that Daisy is the love of Gatsby's life. She was meant to wait for him when he went to war and get marry, have kids raise a family.

Daisy wasn't prepare to take that risk so she took the best next thing married Tom who cheated and lied to her. So what did Daisy do? She did the same thing. She was having an affair with her great love Gatsby enduing in his richness, coolness and extravagant life in that huge mansion.

Com'on if you're Daisy wouldn't be dashed by all those pretty thing that Gatsby can give! It's 1920's! A woman job (at that time) was to grown up pretty, raised in well-manner family and married the richest guy possible to guarantee her retirement, so who care if the rich husband is cheated on you or the boyfriend make money off underground gambling.

The thing with Daisy is that she's so timid and scared to make decision. She could never tell if Gatsby will protect her or give her happiness despite all those money. So she end-up going back to her husband, leaving Gatsby, the ambition man with hopes and dream that she will eventually go back to him because she loves him. Oh well! how would anyone every really find out the truth when it leave unspoken.

I watched the movie last night and kept thinking all those unspoken truth will anyone ever find out? Why does Daisy keep those words to herself and couldn't make decision? Why is she so afraid? How can Daisy not see that Gatsby climbed so high into the society just to be with her, to meet her parent expectation and hoping that they will somehow let them be together.

The thing is I believe every woman is afraid just like Daisy when it comes to life long decision, weather the person you married to or your current boyfriend, the question keep you thinking if he will stay true to you, protect you and make you happy until the "death do us part" happen. No matter how much you think I trust him or I believe, there's come a point where you just feel like you wish you can make a better choice.

So what do we do? We most likely make the safest choice in life rather than a smart one. Take the job that will constant give us income to feed ourselves, drive the car that give us the most value for money but not the "I want that car", married the person we dated for years or the person who we are pretty sure will able to support our little family together.

I just wish that Daisy is stronger so even there's no Tom or Gatsby to save the day, she can still move on with her life, her own mistake and live on.

How do we get over guilt?

I believe there's many thing in life we wish we didn't do it or a choice we wish we can take it back, but that would impossible since the time machine was not successfully invented.

What if there is a time machine? What would you like to go back and change? Will you or can you live with the new outcome?

Many times in my life I wanted to get on that time machine (if there's one) to change my past hoping that I can do something better than today, yes I know appreciate what you have, but someday when it feels Ilike shit and nothing is going my way  by just imaging the time machine existed that already make me keep occupied with a list and spend my whole day wondering, the "what if?".

There is nothing easy I know that and I know that everything happen for a reason, but the imagination just make you feel better about what you done wrong and make it seems a little better.

In the past year, I have hurt someone and I been hurt by the same person as well. He's my ex-finance who loved me very much and I knew that but at the time I couldn't give him the love that he wanted which is wholeheartedly. How can I? I been through thing in life that I can never love unconditionally again. What I believe at the time was the best I had given him, but it wasn't and it hurts him so much that broke us apart. It took me about 3 months of sleepless, tear river and self diminishing beliefs to get pass the fact that we were over. I'm sure it was even harder for him. I know it was both our faults that we didn't put enough efforts to make it work. It was a shame that we said so much hurtful words and did thing just to get at one another, like in a Korean drama, at the end it just became hopeless.

I can never blame anyone for thing that happened. It was a choice, but I don't regret it. I know that if the relationship still continue (like what he said) it just keep hurting us. So we did we think it best break up.

I wanted to let him know that we should be sorry for what already happened. At least we have tried our very best and we have to look forward to a happier future.

The funniest thing about future is you never what coming next because agaist all odd, I met my husband in most unconventional way possible.

A man who loves me for the person I am and make me laugh no matter how bad thing are. He may not be as rich, as well groomed as the ex, but he's definitely the only one for me. I have to admit that I question our relationship a lot!!!! Since it happened so quickly and I feel discourage time to time, still  each night all I wanted is to lay down beside him and wake up with him. I do look back time to time and did told him I regretted marrying him many times (it's not true), but I wouldn't change my choice even I have the time machine.

So how do you live pass your guilt?

Make it worth your investment?

At this very moment in my life, I have tried few investment either in terms of business or in term of emotion. There's investment that I planned so well and I foreseen the high return in long term, but it is inevitable that the hidden risk was never been taken into account.

Take example for a business venture I have made with a few friends and close family members, I have thought that I was so clever so unique so new to create something that will grow so fast that's unstoppable, but ain't I being over confident? It is in the human nature that we like to see the most positive outcome because it is so exciting and new to welcome what is happening around us. We never calculate the worst thing that can possibly go wrong with the plan until it happens.

Go the same with your emotion investment (let's call it EI so I don't have to type the whole word). I believe when you passed certain age limit say 30 and above? Your EI becomes rational and calculative. There's no lap of faith to fall on or benefit of the doubt that the person you love will turn into someone better than you expected. There's always a theory to accept the person you love the way they are and using encouragement plus positivity to push and grow with them.

Are we sure that the best way? Like really....???

Some took the efforts and the time to do just that but there's only so far once's tolerant can take so what happen when those time and effort didn't work? Do we just give up on them? Can we?

My new theory is this: if you calculate your EI by taking your financial responsibilities over your life span and it gives you more than 50% chance of happiness, take it! That's why wedding vow still work: I shall love you for rich or poor, in sickness...blah blah blah.... so before the death do us part you know you have 50% of happiness guaranteed in your EI account.  

Memories

The most fascinating about human is we are the creature that capable of create and capture memories in our mind like a frames picture. 

Everything that known to us from the moment we were born to the last breath we have is memories. Doesn't matter if there's no pictures taken or monument to remind us because deep inside our mind the memory of events of important person are all inside. Time to time we may forget that it ever happened but eventually we know it was there and it was real.

So if you ask me what the cruelest thing one can do to a human being? I say take away their most precious memory, the one that most treasure most precious, destroy it because when you have no memory then you have never live at all.

So build those memory of your own and remember it as long as you can, nothing is forever.

Don't mess with pregnant woman

If you been through pregnancy then you will understand when a woman is pregnant her hormones raises, all the five senses become as sensitive as time boom ticking. Her eyes is so shape it will radar where her love one is and come up with all possible mean to gather them close to her. Her tolerant level will only handle her own cloth detergent smell. Her taste will increase like a giant craving for immediate food to fill that huger! otherwise she will attack. Her touch = "Leave me the F alone" and her hearing will only be "you don't understand how I feel"

To sum it up if your wife is pregnant: here is the DON'T  and DO so you will survive the 9 months of your life in peace

DO - tell her that she's beautiful at least once a day
DON'T -tell her that she's lazy because she CAN! jack ass
DO - ask her how does she feels or if you can do anything to help her feel better
DON'T -try to hump her like a horny puppy every time you see her
DO -listen to whatever she has to say and give ensuring answer
DON'T - be a DICKHEAD she doesn't need to hear you whine about other woman who you just met spare the damn detail because at this point her confident level is at -100
DO -make her laugh at all cost because she appreciate it
DON'T - throw your PMS at her or in front of her because she is carrying extra 20 pounds in her belly and it can kill you!

Keep it claim....count 1-100 or just STFU!

The wonder's mind

Have you ever wonder what happen to the people you knew or shared partial of your life with? Is it true that the past help to shape the person you are today or is it just history? Can we learn anything from our history? Mistake? Alternative way to make life better?
I'm the person of the past, always wonder what happen to the Muslim twin kids who sat behind me during high school or my college art teacher who told me I could become a great artist.
I'm a big believer on past shaped the person you are today and I believe that everyone learn to raise above themselves seeking a better life in any form, in wealth, in health, in love, in friends or social status.
I mean no one want to stand as a loser forever right? The rich can become even richer so why don't the poor strive to be richest?
Someone told me that when I have the ability to choose my friends that I will only choose the one that benefit me to better myself. I see what that mean but I believe it comes with consequences. I'm now six months pregnant and soon to be a mother of a living person! So I start to wonder how much can I teach my kid to make his life memorable and learn from my mistake, can he??  

Discovery of Kickstarter

Mr. T has shown me recently the new way to see what entrepreneurs around the world started their business and it was Kickstarter. Some projects on this website (even I don't need it) I want it! It so creative check out the "Capture Camera Clip V2" and other projects it awesome!  

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/97103764/capture-camera-clip-v2?ref=category